August 2013 and the week leading up to me finding out I was pregnant, I had become very tired. Falling asleep just about anywhere at random times of the day. I also had a few dizzy spells where I felt quite faint. It was actually my husband who suggested I did a test. We hadn't been trying so I didn't think much of it. I did a test the day I was expecting my monthly visitor to arrive. I used a digital clear blue and within 10 seconds the words PREGNANT 1-3 weeks appeared. I was in total shock and disbelief.
We had just made an unexpected move 4 hours away to Devon, and my anxiety was at an all time high. I didn't feel settled in my new home, I missed my family and friends terribly and the last thing on my mind was having another baby. I remember crying...a lot! A million and one thoughts ran through my head. I wasn't ready to be a mother of two, how would I cope? how could I love another child as much as I loved Elise. How would I cope without my family and friends around me?
Unfortunately these feelings and emotions took over and ruined my pregnancy. I was very sick and had problems with my hips and low BP which didn't help. I spent most my days hiding away, not wanting to socialise, pretending I wasn't pregnant. I was sent for early scans as I was having pains and they told me I was more than likely miscarrying a twin, and it would either disperse in my body or I may bleed. Thankfully there was no bleeding. This situation did not help my anxiety at all. I blamed myself. It was my fault because I felt so negatively about being pregnant. Of course now I know that's not true.
The weeks went by and we had our 12 week scan and thankfully everything was fine, and baby was doing well. We announced to everyone we were expecting and I began to feel a little excited. But there was still a part of me that didn't want to be pregnant and felt it wasn't the right time. At our 20 week scan we found out we were expecting a boy and we were delighted. But still there was that part of me that wasn't full elated by the news. New thoughts ran through my head. How would I cope with a boy, I am a girly girl, I don't know anything about cars and trains etc. These were just some of the painful thoughts along with the original thoughts, that went through my head on a daily basis. After encouragement from my husband and family I went to my GP and got referred for CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) to help me with my anxiety. This for me was life changing and helped me see that just because I felt a certain way didn't mean it was the truth. I also practiced yoga and meditation and went to see alternative therapist to help me relax. (i will discuss my anxiety in more depth at a later date)
I got very good at lying to people about how I was feeling and pretending I was on top of the world when in reality, I felt like I was loosing more and more of myself everyday. I blamed everything on myself. Slowly the CBT was helping and I started to feel like myself again. I started to socialize more and made some really close friends.We went away on a final holiday as a family of 3 and it was exactly what I needed. I came home and was in full on baby mode. I started panic buying, after friends and family telling me to get organised. Finally I was excited to be pregnant and feeling the way I wanted to feel throughout.
Two days after my due date I put Elise to bed at 7pm and by 9pm I started to experience contractions. This had been going on for nearly two weeks so I didn't think anything of it. Everyone including my midwife was expecting him to arrive early and very quickly, because I was on time and had a fast delivery with Elise...they couldn't have been more wrong. By 11pm the contractions were closer together and my husband encouraged me to call the labour ward. They advised me to come up and get examined. We had friends watch our daughter as sadly my family lived too far away to be there. We arrived just after midnight and I was convinced they would be sending me home, as I felt okay. After examining me the midwife announced I was 5 going on 6cm and that I best jump in the birthing pool. 5 and half hours later I was still sat in the birthing pool and there was no sign of baby making his debut. They examined me and I had made no change. They broke my waters and then the pain and the contractions came thick and fast. By 8.30am they decided to move me round to labour ward. The hospital I was in had a birthing centre attached for low risk births, which is where I started off. They told me that my baby was stuck. He was back to back and coming down the birth canal forehead first and there was no way I would dilate enough to give birth to him naturally. I was in the worst pain I had ever experienced and they told me I would need a c section. They were getting ready to give me an epidural when I started shouting that I needed to Push. They couldn't believe it! Somehow he had managed to make his way down and I was starting to push. Giving birth to him, without any assistance was the hardest and most Painful thing I have ever done, but I knew in my mind I could do it. He was still in a very awkward position, so I was told I had to work harder than I ever thought I would have to. After a couple of final pushes and 11 and half hours from the first contraction my baby boy Charlie Richard was born at 9.34am weighing 6lbs 11.5oz.
Just like with his sister the rush of love just took over and I couldn't help but cry. The very moment I had feared, becoming a mother of two had occurred and I felt nothing but love and happiness. Since having Charlie I am a different person. My anxiety is no longer a daily struggle and I finally feel like my old self. Just like Elise, who I believe was sent to give me the strength I needed to get through events at that time in my life, I truly believe Charlie was sent to save me. To save me from my anxiety spiralling out of control even more than it had. He is the cheekiest and most loving little boy and you cant help but smile when you look at him. I was so terrified of having a boy but now, I cant imagine my life without him.
As you can tell my pregnancy's and birth stories couldn't have been more different. However I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. My children are without a doubt my biggest achievement in life, and I cant wait to watch them grow and share their milestones in life with them.
Thank you for taking the time to read
Tasha xxx
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